Your first holiday without a loved one: four ways to cope

Nov 13

blog-holidays.jpg/denver grief counseling

Here we are—it’s barely November, but some of you have been dreading the holiday season for a while. While there are a lot of reasons to dread the holidays (not to be a bummer), perhaps one of the biggest reasons for wanting to avoid them all together is because we’ve lost loved ones due to death or a painful divorce, or even due to strained family relationships, and are facing the first holiday season without them. If this describes you this holiday season, it may be cold comfort to know, but you’re not alone. In many ways, even when we have company in our grief, we really do grieve alone. That’s because our relationship with the one(s) we have lost is unique. As we all know, relationships are complicated. We often think of losing a loved one with whom we were close and connected. But what about those relationships that were strained and painful when the death occurred? What about the relationships that never became what we had hoped? Whether you’re facing the holidays without a best friend, soulmate, beloved relative or person with whom you had grown apart, this time of year can be brutal.

So what can you do to get through this? Here are four ways to move through the holidays to show yourself grace and honor where you are.

Accept your feelings

I mean it. Whether you’re beyond angry, sad, numb, relieved, overcome by guilt or totally detached or you find yourself cycling through many emotions in a single day or hour: what you feel is what you feel. You’re not required to feel anything but what you feel. You may want to feel differently and that feeling is valid, too, however, it’s a paradox that when we try to change how we feel, we often find the unwanted feeling only grows stronger. If you are open to it, try accepting how you’re feeling. I wonder if you can see that these feelings are valid responses to what has happened? Numbness? Because your body and mind are shocked by this loss and the emotions are too painful to process right now. Your body and mind are protecting you right now. Anger? Because you value justice and feel what happened was unfair. It probably was unfair. Deep sadness? Because you cared and loved so deeply. Relieved? Because the suffering (on your part, on the part of your loved one or both) was so unbearable and now it has ended. Fear? Because it could happen to another person you love, because you know death awaits us all. Because life is scary. All of these feelings are right. And if there are other feelings I haven’t mentioned? Those are right too.

Take a break

There’s no rule that says you have to do what you’ve always done for the holidays. If your cultural and family traditions allow for it, can you take a break from celebrating the holidays or change how you celebrate this year? Some people find it healing to go somewhere new for the holidays, take a vacation during the season or to treat the holidays like ordinary days. When a death has been particularly traumatic or painful, it can be an option to just pretend the holidays aren’t happening this year. Now, if you have young children for whom that would be confusing or increase their suffering, perhaps that isn’t an option, but maybe a change of scenery could help. Could you travel to a friend or loved one’s for the holidays? Or take a vacation with your kids (even a staycation on a budget might do). For others, it can be helpful to create new traditions with family to honor the one who has passed away, where everyone can share favorite memories, recipes, thoughts, etc. Know that it’s ok to “sit out” during the holidays if that feels right for you.

Find connection

Whatever you choose to do, if you are open to it, can you talk with someone about how you’re feeling or even make plans to spend time with others either before or after the holidays? Whether it’s a trusted counselor/therapist/psychologist/pastor/friend or loved one, is there someone with whom you can just be? Someone with whom you feel comfortable sharing your feelings? If not, are you willing to reach out and find someone? Resources to crisis hotlines and therapist directories are linked at the end of this post. You may feel as though no one understands, as though you’d be burdening others, as though your anger or deep sadness might be too much for anyone. Part of that is true: no one can understand your very particular experience with grief. However, you can help others understand. And in doing so, you might find some relief in the sharing and in being seen. Many people do. And while some friends in your life may very well be unable to sit with you in grief, others may surprise you. And you may find that in the midst of loss, other relationships are deepened and bring you solace.

Double-down on your self-care

If it’s you who normally hosts all of the holidays…can you take a break this year? If you usually go crazy hunting down the most thoughtful gifts for everyone in your life, can you stick to a card or letter this year? If hosting and gifting actually bring you energy and joy and you feel they will serve as self-care, then by all means: you know you best. But be honest with yourself in assessing how much you want to take on this year. And if you can, be honest with others in your life about needing a break or needing help. You might be surprised by their reactions (in a good way). No matter what your role or tradition during the holidays, will you consider taking extra time for yourself? Perhaps this will look like: scheduling an extra therapy session every week, taking an extra nap here and there, saying no to social events when you feel like it, asking for help when you need it, and if you can, getting outside or getting to the gym more often. Exercise has been shown to really boost those neurotransmitters we desperately need when we are grieving. But to be clear: you decide what self-care means to you. Just please do more of it this holiday season. You’re needed in the lives of others. You’re loved by others. And though it may feel like it, you are not alone, and someday the pain will be lessened.