Lost at Sea: Grief and Break-Ups
The end of a significant relationship, whether due to divorce or a break-up, is among the top life events that bring clients to my office. As a grief counselor, I expected to see many more clients struggling with losing someone to death, but as an existentialist counselor, I have come to realize that we are all coming to terms with the everyday deaths that make up our lives.
The end of a relationship; the end of a career; the end of childhood; the end of living on one’s own; natural disasters and human-made disasters that demolish things with cold impunity, and yes, the death of loved people and pets: there are a thousand deaths a day for us to experience and so, is it a wonder that we should be grieving? I’m not trying to be morbid or to bum everyone out. In fact, the process by which we heal from loss, grieving, is also the way in which we open to the flip side of death: birth.
The end of a relationship also marks the birth of new things for your life. Many of my clients who have grieved the ending of a relationship have also rediscovered parts of themselves they had lost in the relationship: goals, interests, friends, creativity and even a sense of self. The end of a relationship often brings a newness to one’s life. Notice: I don’t say a goodness or a joyfulness but a newness. The deep sorrow and pain we feel after a breakup—regardless of who did the breaking—is the bodily reminder of our capacity to love.
I feel blindsided
No, you didn’t lose them to literal death, but it is a death of sorts. They didn’t die, no, they chose to end their time in life with you. That’s a death in its own right. And often this ex-partner becomes like a living ghost: they are no longer in your life, but you never know when or where you might see them again. You’re dealing with wondering if something might be fundamentally wrong with you. If you thought the relationship was going fine, you might find yourself wondering how you could ever trust your perceptions again. But wait. What if I told you that in a lot of cases, breakups aren’t as personal as they seem? That the old cliché “It’s not you, it’s me,” is actually pretty accurate? But even more accurate might be “It’s you AND it’s me.” Of course there are times when you or your partner might have done some genuinely hurtful things or have had genuinely antisocial, manipulative habits, but in a lot of cases, breakups are merely a result of people realizing that they just aren’t the right fit for one another.
An example. You bonded over a love of going to local sporting events, you worked together, and you had mutual friends. You started dating in your mid-twenties and spent most of your time living paycheck to paycheck and living for the moment. Then…you hit your 30s. One of you gets a corporate job they love, isn’t too interested in watching sports anymore and is making new friends that are into biking. The other person still loves the way things are and is building their own business that allows them the freedom to continue on in the same lifestyle. This couple starts to find it harder and harder to make time for one another as one person is up late at night and the other is a morning person now. If one of these people decides to end the relationship, does it mean that something is fundamentally wrong with the other person? Yes, it may feel that way to the person being broken up with, but what is really being said is less “You’re not good enough,” and more “We’re too different.”
Yeah, but I was willing to change!
If your relationship just ended and you were the one left blindsided, you might be thinking “I would have changed” for my partner or “my partner was the most important thing in my life and they didn’t even give me a chance to try to be different.” I would offer that these feelings are symptoms of the bargaining stage in the grief process. You’ve been deeply hurt; you feel rejected and maybe even worthless and empty. You don’t want to accept that it’s over. So trying to change for your partner feels like the only way; the last ditch effort. But, do you really want to change; to try to fit into someone else’s idea of an ideal partner? In most cases, even if your partner agrees to this “chance” this is a recipe for resentment on your part and guilt on their part: sound sexy? I didn’t think so.
Do I have the right to be sad if I ended things?
You should feel happy that the relationship is over if it was your choice to end it, right? Um, no. Often, clients I’ve worked with who’ve ended relationships are agonized by their decision. They didn’t want the relationship to end, but their needs weren’t being met, they didn’t feel heard or seen by their partner, there wasn’t a willingness to grow or compromise or they just didn’t love their partner anymore. Even though you may feel some measure of relief when you end a relationship, there was something that you once loved about your partner and part of you may still love them. It’s ok to be sad.
Small caveat: it may be tempting to want to reach out to your ex for comfort during your breakup, but when you were the instigator, this can be very confusing to your ex and can prolong their grieving. Turning to friends, a counselor or family members might be a kinder alternative. You didn’t do anything wrong if you ended a relationship because you were unhappy in it, but turning to your ex for comfort or even attention can be unintentionally cruel.
When will the pain end?
The grief process in relationships can include all of the stages of grief: Depression? Yep. Denial? Sure. Bargaining? I can change for you! Anger? Oh hell yeah. Acceptance? Yes, it’ll come too. And just like in the case of losing someone to literal death, our grief doesn’t follow a clear, neat path through the stages. The stages are just words to help us understand our grief: they aren’t a map. In fact, you’ll visit and revisit these destinations when you least expect to. You might feel you’ve accepted that the relationship has ended and feel you’ve moved on. Then, you see your ex with a new partner out of the blue and the pain all comes back. The good news? You will move forward. You’ve survived 100% of the worst days you’ve experienced and you will survive this too.
When to seek counseling
Often clients seek counseling right after a break-up, when they feel overwhelmed and in crisis mode and sometimes they seek it after several years have gone by and they find themselves stuck in feelings of depression and emptiness related to the break-up/divorce. How do you know when you might need extra support?
1. You feel sad all the time
2. You are sleeping more than usual or much less than usual
3. You are eating more or less than normal: like eating all the foods all the time or rarely hungry and losing weight
4. Nothing seems to make you feel good anymore
5. Thoughts of the relationship are a constant
6. Your friends or family are tired of hearing about your break-up
7. You feel overwhelmed emotionally, mentally and physically
When to seek crisis services
1. You are having thoughts of killing yourself and have a plan in mind for how you would do it
2. You feel unsafe or out of control with your emotions
3. You are having thoughts of harming another person or people
